Yes. That is a direct quote from me, to two police officers. Check this out.
After I was done with my college classes for the day, I drove around bored as hell. I didn’t feel like going back home since it was a nice day out. Driving down this farm-like road (PFE road in Sacramento), I caught a glimpse of this abandoned house. It looked terrible. The windows were either broken, boarded up, or both. The lawn was a fire waiting to happen. It looked like a good place to shoot a murder scene, or get murdered in real life. So of course, I drove straight to it. My camera was in the backseat and I grabbed it on the way out. I started walking towards the house, and I got this… chill. The closer I got to the house, the more eerie the mood became. Not going to lie, I thought about going back, but my curiosity refused to let me leave.
As I approached the house I noticed all of the trash, leftover grimy household items, the obvious decay. I started snapping. Looking around I wondered “who was here AFTER this house was condemned?”. It was abandoned for sure, but not completely. There were clear cut signs of post-abandoned activity. Finally, I went inside. It was something out of Resident Evil. Just as much broken glass inside as there was outside. Each room looked like a few crimes had been committed in them. I stumbled upon silverware bent backwards, a child’s doll in a dirt pile, a dingy mattress in an empty room, and several other weird things. In the middle of all this, I took my headphones out so I could hear my surroundings. It would seem… that someone was here. It made me wonder if someone was STILL there. I didn’t want any surprises. Again, I wanted to leave, but again, my curiosity wouldn’t let me go.
I went through the house and fortunately, NO ONE was there. I had my pictures, conquered my fear of venturing into an abandoned house alone, and was finally satisfied enough to go somewhere else. Even though I was ready to leave, the two officers who were approaching the house weren’t quite ready to let me go.
“STOP RIGHT THERE! DON’T MOVE!”
Now, at this point I’m like… “fuck”. There WAS a “no trespassing” sign, but I thought I’d be in and out before anyone would notice. One of the officers told me to put my camera around my neck and put my hands up. I glance over at the other one who’s now pulling his gun and entering the house.
“Is there anyone in the house?”
“Uhh no, not that I know of.”
“Are you sure? If my partner finds someone, you’re going to be in a lot of trouble.”
“If there’s someone in there, I’m going to be JUST as surprised as you. I didn’t see anybody.”
He started patting me down asking questions (which I didn’t mind since he was kind of cute). “Do you have any needles on you? Drugs? Weapons?” “Uhh no, what the fuck?” He tells me to put my hands down and asks me what I’m doing here. I look at my camera, and look at him like “really? it’s not obvious what the hell I’m doing here?”. I told him I just wanted to check this place out and take some pictures. Then he informs me that this is a known METH HOUSE. “Makes sense, it’s pretty gnarly looking in there.” Officer cutie looks over at my car and asks “is that your vehicle?” “Uhh yeah”
(Okay seriously, what’s with all the stupid fucking questions… I’m the only one here… WHO ELSE would it belong to?)
We get over to the car and MORE dumb questions start to fly. “Are there any weapons in this car? Grenades? Rocket launchers?”
“What? No… why would I have ANY of that?”
He asks for my license and registration, so I hand it over. By this time the other officer comes back putting his gun in his holster. “All clear.” They start running my name and plates through their system. At this point, I’m bored, so I decided to start cracking some jokes.
“Whatcha doing?”
“Seeing if you’re wanted for anything, any outstanding warrants and whatnot.”
“Oh, so is this the part where I take off running?”
“If you do, HE’S going to run after you.”
I look down at the other officer’s running shoes, yeah, he was ready. I start laughing a little bit. Cutie pie informs me that he’s only been on the force for three months, and that I’d be his very first arrest. “Hey! You can’t arrest me… I’m wearing Iron Maiden”. Running man behind me half assed agreed “fuckin old school right there”. We wait until everything comes back clean as a whistle and he hands me back my driver’s license and registration card. “Okay, we won’t arrest you THIS time. But I don’t want to see you here again.” I giggle and say “fine with me, I got the shots I wanted”. They both go back into their cruiser and start to back out as I waved at them.
When I got in my car, I just BUSTED up laughing at the fact that I told him he couldn’t arrest me because of my shirt. I’m not sure why that came out, but it was too funny.
Moral of the story: wear an Iron Maiden shirt; get away with anything.
Added bonus: I ended up telling this story to Chris Kale from Five Finger Death Punch during an interview at AFTERSHOCK in 2015… WHILE wearing my Iron Maiden shirt; epic moment.
